FIREPROOF MARRIAGES

Becoming Fireproof

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's an amazing tale of a man who, through serving his wife, is able to repair a crumbling marriage. In the movie, a sweet analogy is made between fires and marriages. One of the actors (a fireman) states, "Strong marriages aren't a guarantee that fire isn't going to come. It's the ability to withstand them when they do come."

What makes marriages strong enough to withstand the fires that inevitably come to them?

I am reading two marriage books, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage," (Goddard) and "The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work." (Gottman). Goddard explains how being Christ-like is the key, and Gottman describes strong marriages as having a deep, and abiding friendship.

Eliminate the Four Horesmen

Gottman also talks about the conversational DREADED FOUR HORSEMAN that should never be allowed into your marriage if you want it to stay strong.

They are:

Contempt
Criticisim
Defensiveness
and Stone-walling

And wow, when you look at the picture above, you can see that these four horsemen can do some serious damage to any relationship, particularly to marriage. Each of them are very powerful, strong horsemen, and each of them are armed with serious weapons of destruction. No wonder we are to beware of these four things entering our marriages.

My Parents are Examples of Fireproofing Their Marriage

When I look for an example in my life of a couple who have had a deep and abiding friendship, and have been able to withstand the "fires of life," I think of my parents. They have been married for almost forty years and have had seven children together. They have endured countless trials and difficulties together, including financial difficulties, raising children, cancer, unemployment, in-law arguments, etc, and yet, they are still friends.

Positive Sentiment Override

While I would not classify their relationship as being without arguments -- I would actually say I have seen my parents argue more than most couples -- somehow they have managed to have "Positive Sentiment Override" through it all. Positive Sentiment Override is the ability of each partner in the marriage to assume the best of each other and be able to maintain friendship through arguments. They are able to repair any wrong and recover quickly after or even during disagreements.

My Dad is a big peacemaker, and my Mom is over-flowing with love. Yet, she struggles with expressing herself sometimes. She admits that she tends to bottle up frustration, and suppress it, making it harder for her to share her feelings. But with the patience of them both, with their mutual efforts, despite any arguments, they work out their difficulties; even if all they can do is hug and say they are sorry.

Successful Repair Attempts

They have successful repair attempts every time because they have the best and strongest friendship I have ever seen. They sing in the kitchen together as they work, and my Dad goes to church even though he does not consider himself to have a testimony of the gospel, just because he knows it makes my Mom happy. He makes her breakfast every morning and does projects around the house because he wants to please her. They tease each other playfully with their quick intellect, witty humor, and easy laughter. When they come to visit, my home is overflowing with joy and love and my children love it. They can see that my parents love being together and treasure both the work and the play together. They are affectionate and kind. They serve each other and spend a lot of time doing hobbies and projects together like gardening, walking, making specialty foods, and reading.

A Deep and Abiding Friendship

They have had to work very hard to maintain their strong friendship through the years. However, a few years ago, while my Aunt Heidi was visiting for dinner, she told me, "Your parents were head-over-heels in love with each other when they were dating. I have never seen so many fireworks fly between a couple. There was not stopping those two from getting married." That comment has brought me so much joy. I love to imagine my parents during their courtship -- in complete joy and bliss together, embarking on their journey of a lifetime of friendship.

I have learned a lot from them, by observation, about how to be good friends and have a strong marriage, even if disagreements arise. My prayer has been that I will continue to be able to learn from both the mistakes and from the incredible strengths of my parents loving marriage. Only as I have gotten older and had my own marriage have I begun to appreciate just how blessed I am to have them as parents even though they have their share of weaknesses.