Covenant Marriage

It's not long after a marriage ceremony that couples will confront difficulties and trials. How they view those trials, how they view their commitment to each other and to God, will make all the difference in what their marriage will become. In our society today, no-fault divorce has made it easier and easier to divorce on a whim. There is a difference however, between covenant marriage, and contractual marriage.

Covenant Marriage Gives 100%

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away," Elder Bruce C. Hafen states, "They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.

"Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other."

Three Wolves

Elder Hafen goes on to describe three wolves that can damage or try the strength of married relationships. Of the three wolves that Elder Bruce C. Hafen discussed that can challenge marriages; natural adversity, their own imperfections, and excessive individualism, I think the most damaging to our society is the third wolf, the wolf of excessive individualism. I fully agree with this quote from Elder Hafen:

"The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. And despite admirable exceptions, children in America’s growing number of single-parent families are clearly more at risk than children in two-parent families. Further, the rates of divorce and births outside marriage are now so high that we may be witnessing “the collapse of marriage.”

As he spoke those words (I listened to him give the talk) I realized some of those descriptions apply to me. Specifically, I have four children, and sometimes I become weary of the labor that is required to raise them well. So when he spoke of an exaggerated need for having space, getting out, and being left alone, I definitely thought of myself. Sometimes I push my children away, symbolically, because I think that it will make me happier if I have time alone.

However, yesterday I had a really neat experience where I just decided that no matter how busy I was, or how much homework and chores I had to do, I was going to lie down with my two youngest children and read them books for about a half hour. It was so lovely! I felt like I finally caught a glimpse as to what it was like to really enjoy the supernal joys of life through motherhood. I want more of those experiences. My children are growing up every day, and my mother has always taught me that somehow the work will get done if I put my children first. She also taught me that there will always be more work to do, and if I wait until all the work is done before I spend time with my husband and family, it will be like waiting for all the water in a river to pass by before I am willing to cross it.

Often, Satan will tell me I don't have time for others. Just as he tries to convince us that we don't have time for scripture study, he also tries to convince me that I do not have time to serve, to love, to talk and take time for my family or members of my ward. I am really tired of hearing this lie, and of listening to it. I hope to rid myself of excessive individualism, and instead, partake in the happiest things that God has given to me on this earth -- taking time to be with and strengthen my children, husband, and family; to love, read to, teach, and laugh with them.

Be As The Shepherd

When trials and difficulties come to our marriage, as they do throughout life, will we be as the shepherd who steadfastly safeguards marriage, or will we allow the wolves in our lives to overcome us?

I once heard Elder Oaks say something like this, "When our physical bodies are injured, we seek healing again and again. Should we not do that for our marriages as well?" I want to encourage any within my reach that if you are struggling, take courage! Continue to seek healing with the help of Jesus Christ. If you allow Him, the greatest of all shepherds, to bless and protect your marriage, healing will come.

To conclude, I want to share Elder Hafen's encouraging words about all of us (including myself) being stalwart and steadfast shepherd's when it comes to our marriages:

"May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy."