Recommended Read: Till Debt Do Us Part

Are you married and have you ever had questions about family finances?

Me too!

Boy, do I have a great book for you! It's called, "Till Debt Do Us Part," by Bernard Poduska (2000). I was able to read a few chapters of it for my marriage class and it has been very helpful.

What do I love about it? Why do I recommend it?

I love how it deals with both the financial aspect and the emotional aspect of money - it didn't try to separate the two, but recognized that our upbringing and our emotions and past experiences strongly influence how we spend money. I loved the ideas for creating marital peace, such as understanding each others backgrounds and personalities better.

I also loved how it had helpful suggestions for what to do children who are growing up, such as going fifty-fifty on purchases with them as teens so that they feel like you are on their side.

The other main idea I loved was the "launching fund," where parents agree to pay for certain things for a young adult who is ready to leave the home, and therefore help them launch into the world as responsible adults, but with a little help. For example, parents may choose to pay for a young adult's apartment for six months, paying for 100% of the rent the first month, 75% the second, and on down until the child is independent and paying their own rent. I am going to use this with my children! Children need to feel loved and wanted, but they also need help to stretch and grow. I find that these practices have a fair amount of balance between these two things and will help children be excited about getting out on their own and feeling like their parents are encouraging them. Yet, it also has a safe ending period so that the children aren't permanently dependent on their parents.

I valued the parts of the book that discussed how happiness in marriage is not static, but constantly changing, and that if we want to be happy in a marriage we must allow for change. I also like how it talked about being empty-nesters nowadays can mean that spouses are able to spend quality time with each other, making each other their first priority again in life instead of being depressed about not having any children at home. This gives me something to really look forward to as my children get older -- I love that perspective.

As a mother of four children, I enjoyed little comments the authors had like, "Parents are people, too." Ha! Thank you! Sometimes I feel so guilty for having needs as a mother and I am seeking to find that right balance between taking really good care of my kids without horribly neglecting myself or my sweet husband; a balance that could sure use improving all the time. Love that book!

Who's the Boss?

Have you ever felt like this when it comes to your marriage?

I have.

Have you ever felt like you're having one of these with your spouse?

You can imagine my relief this week when I read in a BYU article titled, "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Familes," that most struggles in marriages are rooted in power struggles. The article states:

"...Research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership. These research findings are consistent with doctrines found in the gospel."

And the article quotes Dr. Ross Eshleman's book, The Family, 2003:

Joint decision making, sharing martial powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction."

And my favorite quote is, of course, by Gordon B, Hinckley:

"Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have."

A Prophet's Solution

Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife share what has made their marriage happy. I choose to apply what they say about husband's and apply it to myself as a wife as well:

“He Gave Me Space and Let Me Fly”

Church magazines: Why has your marriage been so happy for so long?

President Hinckley: The basis of a good marriage is mutual respect—respect for one another, a concern for the comfort and well-being of one another. That is the key. If a husband would think less of himself and more of his wife, we’d have happier homes throughout the Church and throughout the world.

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” 1 How has he done that?

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does."

Conclusion:

In addition, this Gordon B. Hinckley quote pretty much sums up how to get out of that power struggle!

“I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Any man who will make his wife’s comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come.”

If each spouse is more concerned about their marriage partner than about themselves, and they let charity be the guiding light of their relationship, I think power struggles would be few and far between!