Just as it sounds, gridlock is when a married couple cannot seem to solve a problem they have together. Instead of being able to compromise, they lock heads and are unable to budge.
How do we solve or overcome gridlock?
According to John Gottman of, "The Seven Principles of Successful Marriages," couples can overcome gridlock by listening to the dreams and hopes of their spouse that are the root cause of their desires. One partner should listen to the other for fifteen minutes as they reach back into their childhood and explore all the reasons they feel about the decision they are trying to make. Then, after 15 minutes, they switch.
Charity is Key
As I thought about what Gottman says is the solution to overcoming gridlock, I realized that charity is the key to all compromise in a successful marriage. A few months ago, Elder Lynn G. Robbins said that there are 13 or 14 main characteristics of charity. If we can specifically use, "Seeketh Not Her Own," as we approach compromise in a marriage, we will be happy together and both partners in the marriage will be winners. It will be a "win-win" situation.
Real Application for Decisions on Snowy Roads
My husband and I were discussing this idea of not seeking our own desires or our own will when having a crucial conversation and trying to make a compromise. I asked him, "How is it possible that we can both share what we want to happen, but not seek what we want, instead seek for our spouses comfort and desires?"
As we thought about it, I realized that Stephen R. Covey comes into play. He always says, "Seek first to Understand."
I realized that I had been able to apply this principle to a recent intense decision we needed to make. It was snowing intensely in the morning last week, and there was a foot of snow on the ground and on the roads. The kids needed to be driven to school and it had not been cancelled.
I decided that I would first ask my husband what he would have us do. Should we still try to attempt going to school? As I went outside to talk with him as he worked hard to shovel the snow off of our driveway, I asked him what he thought about going to school. He replied that he thought we should go, but just leave ten minutes earlier to allow for slower driving time. I pondered his words, looked carefully at our snowy roads, and then decided to seek not what I thought (I might have had us stay home!) and instead try to follow his lead. I saw other cars pass by on the road and make it successfully on their way. My husband and children bundled up warm, left early, and went to school safely.
When it comes to decision making I often seek first to understand what my husband wants, but not always. He also seeks to understand me. There is room for improvement though. Charity is something we need to pray for every day.
Overcoming Gridlock is Possible!
With charity, if we seek to understand first the desires of our spouse, and try to truly comprehend their dreams related to their desires, then we will be able to overcome gridlock.
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