FIREPROOF MARRIAGES

Becoming Fireproof

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's an amazing tale of a man who, through serving his wife, is able to repair a crumbling marriage. In the movie, a sweet analogy is made between fires and marriages. One of the actors (a fireman) states, "Strong marriages aren't a guarantee that fire isn't going to come. It's the ability to withstand them when they do come."

What makes marriages strong enough to withstand the fires that inevitably come to them?

I am reading two marriage books, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage," (Goddard) and "The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work." (Gottman). Goddard explains how being Christ-like is the key, and Gottman describes strong marriages as having a deep, and abiding friendship.

Eliminate the Four Horesmen

Gottman also talks about the conversational DREADED FOUR HORSEMAN that should never be allowed into your marriage if you want it to stay strong.

They are:

Contempt
Criticisim
Defensiveness
and Stone-walling

And wow, when you look at the picture above, you can see that these four horsemen can do some serious damage to any relationship, particularly to marriage. Each of them are very powerful, strong horsemen, and each of them are armed with serious weapons of destruction. No wonder we are to beware of these four things entering our marriages.

My Parents are Examples of Fireproofing Their Marriage

When I look for an example in my life of a couple who have had a deep and abiding friendship, and have been able to withstand the "fires of life," I think of my parents. They have been married for almost forty years and have had seven children together. They have endured countless trials and difficulties together, including financial difficulties, raising children, cancer, unemployment, in-law arguments, etc, and yet, they are still friends.

Positive Sentiment Override

While I would not classify their relationship as being without arguments -- I would actually say I have seen my parents argue more than most couples -- somehow they have managed to have "Positive Sentiment Override" through it all. Positive Sentiment Override is the ability of each partner in the marriage to assume the best of each other and be able to maintain friendship through arguments. They are able to repair any wrong and recover quickly after or even during disagreements.

My Dad is a big peacemaker, and my Mom is over-flowing with love. Yet, she struggles with expressing herself sometimes. She admits that she tends to bottle up frustration, and suppress it, making it harder for her to share her feelings. But with the patience of them both, with their mutual efforts, despite any arguments, they work out their difficulties; even if all they can do is hug and say they are sorry.

Successful Repair Attempts

They have successful repair attempts every time because they have the best and strongest friendship I have ever seen. They sing in the kitchen together as they work, and my Dad goes to church even though he does not consider himself to have a testimony of the gospel, just because he knows it makes my Mom happy. He makes her breakfast every morning and does projects around the house because he wants to please her. They tease each other playfully with their quick intellect, witty humor, and easy laughter. When they come to visit, my home is overflowing with joy and love and my children love it. They can see that my parents love being together and treasure both the work and the play together. They are affectionate and kind. They serve each other and spend a lot of time doing hobbies and projects together like gardening, walking, making specialty foods, and reading.

A Deep and Abiding Friendship

They have had to work very hard to maintain their strong friendship through the years. However, a few years ago, while my Aunt Heidi was visiting for dinner, she told me, "Your parents were head-over-heels in love with each other when they were dating. I have never seen so many fireworks fly between a couple. There was not stopping those two from getting married." That comment has brought me so much joy. I love to imagine my parents during their courtship -- in complete joy and bliss together, embarking on their journey of a lifetime of friendship.

I have learned a lot from them, by observation, about how to be good friends and have a strong marriage, even if disagreements arise. My prayer has been that I will continue to be able to learn from both the mistakes and from the incredible strengths of my parents loving marriage. Only as I have gotten older and had my own marriage have I begun to appreciate just how blessed I am to have them as parents even though they have their share of weaknesses.

Covenant Marriage

It's not long after a marriage ceremony that couples will confront difficulties and trials. How they view those trials, how they view their commitment to each other and to God, will make all the difference in what their marriage will become. In our society today, no-fault divorce has made it easier and easier to divorce on a whim. There is a difference however, between covenant marriage, and contractual marriage.

Covenant Marriage Gives 100%

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away," Elder Bruce C. Hafen states, "They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.

"Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other."

Three Wolves

Elder Hafen goes on to describe three wolves that can damage or try the strength of married relationships. Of the three wolves that Elder Bruce C. Hafen discussed that can challenge marriages; natural adversity, their own imperfections, and excessive individualism, I think the most damaging to our society is the third wolf, the wolf of excessive individualism. I fully agree with this quote from Elder Hafen:

"The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. And despite admirable exceptions, children in America’s growing number of single-parent families are clearly more at risk than children in two-parent families. Further, the rates of divorce and births outside marriage are now so high that we may be witnessing “the collapse of marriage.”

As he spoke those words (I listened to him give the talk) I realized some of those descriptions apply to me. Specifically, I have four children, and sometimes I become weary of the labor that is required to raise them well. So when he spoke of an exaggerated need for having space, getting out, and being left alone, I definitely thought of myself. Sometimes I push my children away, symbolically, because I think that it will make me happier if I have time alone.

However, yesterday I had a really neat experience where I just decided that no matter how busy I was, or how much homework and chores I had to do, I was going to lie down with my two youngest children and read them books for about a half hour. It was so lovely! I felt like I finally caught a glimpse as to what it was like to really enjoy the supernal joys of life through motherhood. I want more of those experiences. My children are growing up every day, and my mother has always taught me that somehow the work will get done if I put my children first. She also taught me that there will always be more work to do, and if I wait until all the work is done before I spend time with my husband and family, it will be like waiting for all the water in a river to pass by before I am willing to cross it.

Often, Satan will tell me I don't have time for others. Just as he tries to convince us that we don't have time for scripture study, he also tries to convince me that I do not have time to serve, to love, to talk and take time for my family or members of my ward. I am really tired of hearing this lie, and of listening to it. I hope to rid myself of excessive individualism, and instead, partake in the happiest things that God has given to me on this earth -- taking time to be with and strengthen my children, husband, and family; to love, read to, teach, and laugh with them.

Be As The Shepherd

When trials and difficulties come to our marriage, as they do throughout life, will we be as the shepherd who steadfastly safeguards marriage, or will we allow the wolves in our lives to overcome us?

I once heard Elder Oaks say something like this, "When our physical bodies are injured, we seek healing again and again. Should we not do that for our marriages as well?" I want to encourage any within my reach that if you are struggling, take courage! Continue to seek healing with the help of Jesus Christ. If you allow Him, the greatest of all shepherds, to bless and protect your marriage, healing will come.

To conclude, I want to share Elder Hafen's encouraging words about all of us (including myself) being stalwart and steadfast shepherd's when it comes to our marriages:

"May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy."

Fathers: Optional Baggage?

I’ve learned a few things this week about the topic of gay marriage. You know what two things have struck me the most?

1) The defense of Traditional Marriage isn’t really about gays. It’s about the children that are affected by marriages.

The only reason government has any say in defining marriage is because of its interest in children. Redefine marriage, and children are made vulnerable to our number one social ill: fatherlessness. How can this be so? It’s a biological fact that every time a child is born, a mother is nearby. The real question is, will there be a father nearby, and if so, how long will he stick around? The principle purpose of marriage is to link fathers to the mother of his children, creating a bond of responsibility. Redefining marriage into much looser terms weakens the basic unit of society, creating a chasm where fathers are no longer linked to their children. When that father is no longer required to link himself to the mother of his children because marriage is so loosely defined, on what grounds will we hold any father’s responsible for their children and families? None. Instead, the government must step in to replace fathers. So I ask you, reader, do you think fathers are optional? Are governments and social programs decent replacements for the fathers of our nation?

2) Without Fathers, the Bible says the purpose of the Earth is utterly wasted.

The other day I was in my neighbor’s home, listening to her explain her family history line using pictures of her parents and grandparents and in-laws that were hung on a large, portrait-filled wall. I couldn’t help but wonder, “How would she feel if she did not know who her father was? Or her grandfather?” She went on to describe how the cultures of her parents’ family and of her husband’s family influenced their children’s lives. I could see its power on them, or, to put it better, I could see the power that this wall of history gave to her own family. Biblical verses ran through my mind as I realized that this woman defined who she and her children were by the fathers and mothers of the family.

“Greek.” She said. “They are all Greek on my husband’s side. Over the course of my father’s life, he had to re-marry because his first wife committed suicide. So he had two wives. My father is passed away now. And these women over here, they love to sew. I love to sew, and I wish they had taught me.”

This line of families, as imperfect as it was, filled with suicides, multiple marriages, and women who didn’t teach her how to sew, this wall of people helped her define who she was, and who her children should be. So the verse repeated in my mind,

“And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers. If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming” (D&C 2: 2-3).

If the hearts of the fathers are not turned toward their children (could this possibly be referring to the power of marriage linking fathers to children?) then the whole purpose of this Earth will be utterly wasted. There will have been no reason for you and me coming here to this Earth without being linked to our fathers. The portrait-filled family history wall that you have in your home, on your computer, or in your photo books, it’s everything. It’s why we’re here. Gay marriage removes all of that. It separates parents from children, fathers from mothers, and breaks links between generations. It guarantees the fatherlessness of children, which will utterly waste the reason we’re here.

So, the question is posed, “How can I possibly deny the LGBT community the benefits that I enjoy as a married woman?” And I respond, “Right now, all people are free to live and to love as they choose, no matter their sexual orientation.”

Studies repeatedly show that children do significantly better in all aspects of their lives when raised by both a father and a mother, and even better when the mother and father are their biological parents. Of marriage and the role it plays in raising the next generation, Ryan T. Anderson states,

“The conjugal view of marriage, we argued, has long informed the law — along with the literature, art, philosophy, religion, and social practice — of our civilization. So understood, marriage is a comprehensive union. It unites spouses at all levels of their being: hearts, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one-flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father.

As the act that unites spouses can also create new life, marriage is especially apt for procreation and family life. Uniting spouses in these all-encompassing ways, marriage calls for all-encompassing commitment: permanent and exclusive…Marriage increases the odds that a man will be committed both to the children that he helps create and to the woman with whom he does so. Marriage, rightly understood, brings together the two halves of humanity (male and female) in a monogamous relationship. Husband and wife pledge to each other to be faithful by vows of permanence and exclusivity. Marriage provides children with a relationship with the man and the woman who made them.” (Read more at: http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson).

I also conclude that if the LGBT community is concerned about fair housing, financial benefits, healthcare benefits, and tax benefits, that these are secondary issues. Please fight for equity concerning these tax laws because we all deserve fair treatment, gay or “straight,” we are all equal in God’s eyes.

But please, my dear nation, do not vote to redefine marriage such that its meaning is weakened, and the most innocent and the most vulnerable portion of society, our children, are not left, yet again, exposed to the weakening of the family; left as wards of the state, fatherless, and without defense in this world. Please think of the children, and stand up for them by standing up for what the true definition of marriage is: between one man and one woman.

Before Divorce, Consider the Children

Look at these gorgeous faces! These are my four kids with their cousin Braydon (He's the only dark-haired kid in the whole picture, which is pretty ironic because, although I have dark hair, I have all blonde children). These beauties are my future. I feel a great sense of responsibility toward them and their well-being. So I decided to take a marriage class. You might ask, If you want to be a better mother, why are you taking a marriage class?

According to the University of Virginia,

“Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.”

This week we are learning about the effects of divorce on children and on society as a whole. Over all, the most heart-breaking video I was required to watch for my class was called, "Divorce School for Kids." It was heart-breaking because I watched innocent young children pour out their broken hearts, in a state of total confusion, about their parents' marriages ending. Most of them felt it was largely their fault; that somehow they had caused their parents' divorce. They felt torn apart between the two parents who used to live together under one roof as a family.

So, why should you care, and how does this affect you?

Let's put some dollar signs on the social costs of having broken families. It just so happens that the University of Virginia has done extensive studies on the societal impact of broken families. The fiscal cost alone to our nation is billions of dollars annually! To be exact (and modest in their view): $112 billion annually.

While most of us married folks only consider the effects of marital relationships on ourselves, have we ever stopped to consider the emotionally scarring and life-long consequences divorce has on our nation’s children? Religious leaders see the devastating effects of divorce on children every day. Concerning children and divorce, Elder Dallin H. Oaks says,

“Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children. We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce have a much higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, poor school performance, and various kinds of victimization.”

All of us want to give our children every advantage in the world. We want the best for them; happiness, success, and the ability to progress and move forward into mature, well-educated adults. If we truly consider our children’s happiness, we will strengthen our marriages.

If you do not have children, or if you feel that your needs in a struggling marriage are too difficult to bare, then consider your own happiness in this way. According to Elder Dallin H. Oaks and a bishop he worked with who had years of experience in counseling couples considering divorce, the following was stated:

“The couples who...stayed together emerged with their marriages even stronger. That prospect began with their mutual commitment to keep the commandments, stay active in their Church attendance, scripture reading, and prayer, and to work on their own shortcomings. They “recognized the importance and power of the Atonement for their spouse and for themselves,” and “they were patient and would try again and again.” When the couples he counseled did these things, repenting and working to save their marriages, this bishop reported that “healing was achieved 100 percent of the time.

Even those who think their spouse is entirely to blame should not act hastily. One study found “no evidence that divorce or separation typically made adults happier than staying in an unhappy marriage. Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce reported being happily married five years later.”

Elder Dallin H. Oaks reported that it was easier for a spouse to recover from the death of their spouse than it was for them to recover from a divorce, and stated that divorce, in most instances, did not solve the couples' problems, it merely introduced new problems to their situation.

What is just cause for divorce? James E. Faust says that he does not know all the definitive just causes, but that surely cause for divorce is not just some mental distress, falling out of love, or simply that the couple doesn't get along. So, my plea to all of us is that we do what we can to strengthen our marriages that ourselves, our children, and our nation might be stronger.