Gridlock and Charity

What is Gridlock?

Just as it sounds, gridlock is when a married couple cannot seem to solve a problem they have together. Instead of being able to compromise, they lock heads and are unable to budge.

How do we solve or overcome gridlock?

According to John Gottman of, "The Seven Principles of Successful Marriages," couples can overcome gridlock by listening to the dreams and hopes of their spouse that are the root cause of their desires. One partner should listen to the other for fifteen minutes as they reach back into their childhood and explore all the reasons they feel about the decision they are trying to make. Then, after 15 minutes, they switch.

Charity is Key

As I thought about what Gottman says is the solution to overcoming gridlock, I realized that charity is the key to all compromise in a successful marriage. A few months ago, Elder Lynn G. Robbins said that there are 13 or 14 main characteristics of charity. If we can specifically use, "Seeketh Not Her Own," as we approach compromise in a marriage, we will be happy together and both partners in the marriage will be winners. It will be a "win-win" situation.

Real Application for Decisions on Snowy Roads

My husband and I were discussing this idea of not seeking our own desires or our own will when having a crucial conversation and trying to make a compromise. I asked him, "How is it possible that we can both share what we want to happen, but not seek what we want, instead seek for our spouses comfort and desires?"

As we thought about it, I realized that Stephen R. Covey comes into play. He always says, "Seek first to Understand."

I realized that I had been able to apply this principle to a recent intense decision we needed to make. It was snowing intensely in the morning last week, and there was a foot of snow on the ground and on the roads. The kids needed to be driven to school and it had not been cancelled.

I decided that I would first ask my husband what he would have us do. Should we still try to attempt going to school? As I went outside to talk with him as he worked hard to shovel the snow off of our driveway, I asked him what he thought about going to school. He replied that he thought we should go, but just leave ten minutes earlier to allow for slower driving time. I pondered his words, looked carefully at our snowy roads, and then decided to seek not what I thought (I might have had us stay home!) and instead try to follow his lead. I saw other cars pass by on the road and make it successfully on their way. My husband and children bundled up warm, left early, and went to school safely.

When it comes to decision making I often seek first to understand what my husband wants, but not always. He also seeks to understand me. There is room for improvement though. Charity is something we need to pray for every day.

Overcoming Gridlock is Possible!

With charity, if we seek to understand first the desires of our spouse, and try to truly comprehend their dreams related to their desires, then we will be able to overcome gridlock.

Pride Pains Marriage Partners

There were some common themes in our reading for my marriage class this week among both books. Specifically, there was a talk by President Benson about pride. It helped me to do a lot of introspection. I think sometimes we are so prideful, even when counseled to improve, we think the counsel is for somebody else. This talk helped me see that there are things that irritate me about my husband and these are things that I actually need to repent of, instead of trying to change him. It's exhausting to put all of one's effort into trying to change somebody else and get little or no benefits to show from such behavior. Forgiveness, acceptance, good points, and being humble lightens our load so much!

For example, it is fascinating to me that we are studying this subject this week because just last Sunday I was so irritated with my husband. I usually get ready for church and take the kids by myself most Sundays because he is a High Councilmen and is often needed to attend other wards in our stake. Anyway, I was letting myself get annoyed or frustrated for some of the family leadership decisions he was making. First, he was so wrapped up in talking to his mom on the phone (about an important topic, too, by the way!) that I had to get all four kids and myself ready for church on my own again, as usual. After he got off the phone he piled the kids in the car and just waited for me in the car while I finished getting myself ready. I don't know why that always bothers me! Once we arrived at church, he picked a row of seats for us in the overflow even though we were ten minutes early and there was plenty of room to sit up front. My toddler runs wild if I ever sit in the overflow, so I protested. A little frustrated, he got up to move. I protested again, and told him that I suppose it was fine to sit there. Anyway, during sacrament I thought, "Why does everything have to be so hard when we are both involved in making decisions?!?" Then, (here's where I realize my pride) the spirit whispered softly to me, "The reason it is so hard is because you are nit-picking at everything your husband is doing. It would be much easier if you would choose to be humble and let him lead instead of insisting on having everything your particular way."

Whoa! I sat there in disbelief! I was nit-picking? Seriously? Me? But the spirit was totally right! I was exhausted and felt heavy because I spent so much time worrying about whether or not my needs or whims were being met perfectly by my hard-working husband. Just like Goddard said, if I repented then I could put that burden down -- that burden of nitpicking and emphasizing my husbands so-called flaws. It's a lot of work to be a picky princess instead of just humbly following and enjoying his difference in personality and admiring his unique nature. So, right then and there, I let it go. And it felt great. Of course, in just a few days I am not perfect at changing the habits of my mind. I'm sure it will be something I will have to work at for a long time -- not letting pride create enmity between myself and my loved ones or fellowmen. But it's a start, and it's actually quite a relief to discover the source of my exhaustion and frustration - my own pride! I would much rather be grateful and humble for all the wonderful things my husband has done and continues to do for our family. It's a much happier way to live.

Turning Toward One Another

My Husband's Grandpa passed away yesterday morning. He was 92 years old and one of the most generous people I know. He gave thousands upon thousands of dollars to all of his descendants to help pay for their homes and education. He was cheerful and happy and a joy to be with. My children adored him. Even in his 90's, of him they declare, "He was so fun!"

This is naturally a time of mixed feelings for my husband, who out of many grandchildren, was often openly declared to be Grandpa's favorite grandchild. Yet we know we will see him again, and that he lived a grand, righteous, and noble life.

He was there for our baby blessings, even though it required long flights and the pains of travel to get there. Look at that bright, cheerful smile and countenance on Grandpa's face despite the fact that my baby is screaming till she's purple! This was the kind of person that Grandpa was; cheerful in the face of affliction or hard times. He loved life.

In Goddard's text, "Seven Principles for A Successful Marriage," he states that happy couples turn toward one another instead of away. He says that romance does not consist of large trips to the Bahamas, but romance consists of the every day turning. This would mean that instead of doing what I want, or instead of being absorbed in only myself or my own interests, I would turn toward my husband and care about his needs, comfort, and care. Sometimes this is as small as turning off my cell phone and listening to him. Sometimes, it is asking him how his day has gone when he comes home from work, exhausted. Sometimes, it is cleaning the house, making a nice dinner, or doing his laundry because I know he loves it when I do those things.

In Gordon B. Hinckley's own way, he discusses the importance of turning toward one another in a marriage:

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."

We had a chance to track how often we turn toward another in our BYU marriage class this last week. I was overwhelmed by how often my husband turns toward me, but a little under-impressed with my efforts to turn toward him.

So this time, I not only want to get better at turning toward him in every day life, I also want to turn in a bigger way. You see, we were planning on visiting my family for Thanksgiving this year in Utah. We haven't been to Utah for Thanksgiving in years and it is one of my favorite Holidays to celebrate with family. But with the passing of this dear Grandpa, I am willing to instead make the long trek from New Mexico to California with four energetic children to help him attend the funeral and disperse the household goods; a specific request that Grandpa gave to my husband long before his passing. I am not trying to toot my own horn, or brag about my goodness, I simply like to acknowledge that Goddard's book is having a positive effect on me!

I want to live the way that Gordon B. Hinckley says we should live: in anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of my spouse. I know that this is the key to real happiness in marriage. My goal is to simply turn toward, or be there, available, understanding, comforting, and unselfish in any moment, big or small, in which my husband might need me.

Christ's Love: Our Perfect Example

Of Christ and His Perfect Love, Henry B. Eyring States:

Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him, our perfect example. Our way of life, hour by hour, must be filled with the love of God and love for others. There is no surprise in that, since the Lord proclaimed those as the first and great commandments. It is love of God that will lead us to keep His commandments. And love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him.

Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves.

I Believe That -- Because It Is True

After all the marriage expert's advice has been given, after all the things we can do to improve our marriages, following our Savior Jesus Christ is the most important and most life-changing thing we can do to have a happy marriage. I believe that -- because it is true.

Counsel To Husbands And Wives

President Henry B. Eyring goes on to say:

First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.

We are all going to make mistakes in our marriages; every day, in fact. I testify that we can repent, and we can pray to see the good in our spouses as well. As we come closer to Christ, as we improve every day, we will have strong marriages.

That is, after all, our ultimate goal: to become as our Savior, Jesus Christ is. As we seek to be like him, our Hands become His. Gaining the mind, hands, and heart of Christ is one of the most demanding and rigorous goals there is, but it is worth every effort, every sacrifice, every day. As we become like Him, our marriages will thrive. Ultimately, Christ has the power to heal if we allow Him to touch our marriages.

FIREPROOF MARRIAGES

Becoming Fireproof

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's an amazing tale of a man who, through serving his wife, is able to repair a crumbling marriage. In the movie, a sweet analogy is made between fires and marriages. One of the actors (a fireman) states, "Strong marriages aren't a guarantee that fire isn't going to come. It's the ability to withstand them when they do come."

What makes marriages strong enough to withstand the fires that inevitably come to them?

I am reading two marriage books, "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage," (Goddard) and "The Seven Principles that Make Marriage Work." (Gottman). Goddard explains how being Christ-like is the key, and Gottman describes strong marriages as having a deep, and abiding friendship.

Eliminate the Four Horesmen

Gottman also talks about the conversational DREADED FOUR HORSEMAN that should never be allowed into your marriage if you want it to stay strong.

They are:

Contempt
Criticisim
Defensiveness
and Stone-walling

And wow, when you look at the picture above, you can see that these four horsemen can do some serious damage to any relationship, particularly to marriage. Each of them are very powerful, strong horsemen, and each of them are armed with serious weapons of destruction. No wonder we are to beware of these four things entering our marriages.

My Parents are Examples of Fireproofing Their Marriage

When I look for an example in my life of a couple who have had a deep and abiding friendship, and have been able to withstand the "fires of life," I think of my parents. They have been married for almost forty years and have had seven children together. They have endured countless trials and difficulties together, including financial difficulties, raising children, cancer, unemployment, in-law arguments, etc, and yet, they are still friends.

Positive Sentiment Override

While I would not classify their relationship as being without arguments -- I would actually say I have seen my parents argue more than most couples -- somehow they have managed to have "Positive Sentiment Override" through it all. Positive Sentiment Override is the ability of each partner in the marriage to assume the best of each other and be able to maintain friendship through arguments. They are able to repair any wrong and recover quickly after or even during disagreements.

My Dad is a big peacemaker, and my Mom is over-flowing with love. Yet, she struggles with expressing herself sometimes. She admits that she tends to bottle up frustration, and suppress it, making it harder for her to share her feelings. But with the patience of them both, with their mutual efforts, despite any arguments, they work out their difficulties; even if all they can do is hug and say they are sorry.

Successful Repair Attempts

They have successful repair attempts every time because they have the best and strongest friendship I have ever seen. They sing in the kitchen together as they work, and my Dad goes to church even though he does not consider himself to have a testimony of the gospel, just because he knows it makes my Mom happy. He makes her breakfast every morning and does projects around the house because he wants to please her. They tease each other playfully with their quick intellect, witty humor, and easy laughter. When they come to visit, my home is overflowing with joy and love and my children love it. They can see that my parents love being together and treasure both the work and the play together. They are affectionate and kind. They serve each other and spend a lot of time doing hobbies and projects together like gardening, walking, making specialty foods, and reading.

A Deep and Abiding Friendship

They have had to work very hard to maintain their strong friendship through the years. However, a few years ago, while my Aunt Heidi was visiting for dinner, she told me, "Your parents were head-over-heels in love with each other when they were dating. I have never seen so many fireworks fly between a couple. There was not stopping those two from getting married." That comment has brought me so much joy. I love to imagine my parents during their courtship -- in complete joy and bliss together, embarking on their journey of a lifetime of friendship.

I have learned a lot from them, by observation, about how to be good friends and have a strong marriage, even if disagreements arise. My prayer has been that I will continue to be able to learn from both the mistakes and from the incredible strengths of my parents loving marriage. Only as I have gotten older and had my own marriage have I begun to appreciate just how blessed I am to have them as parents even though they have their share of weaknesses.

Covenant Marriage

It's not long after a marriage ceremony that couples will confront difficulties and trials. How they view those trials, how they view their commitment to each other and to God, will make all the difference in what their marriage will become. In our society today, no-fault divorce has made it easier and easier to divorce on a whim. There is a difference however, between covenant marriage, and contractual marriage.

Covenant Marriage Gives 100%

"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away," Elder Bruce C. Hafen states, "They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.

"Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” 2 Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other."

Three Wolves

Elder Hafen goes on to describe three wolves that can damage or try the strength of married relationships. Of the three wolves that Elder Bruce C. Hafen discussed that can challenge marriages; natural adversity, their own imperfections, and excessive individualism, I think the most damaging to our society is the third wolf, the wolf of excessive individualism. I fully agree with this quote from Elder Hafen:

"The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone. Some people believe him—and then they wonder why they feel left alone. And despite admirable exceptions, children in America’s growing number of single-parent families are clearly more at risk than children in two-parent families. Further, the rates of divorce and births outside marriage are now so high that we may be witnessing “the collapse of marriage.”

As he spoke those words (I listened to him give the talk) I realized some of those descriptions apply to me. Specifically, I have four children, and sometimes I become weary of the labor that is required to raise them well. So when he spoke of an exaggerated need for having space, getting out, and being left alone, I definitely thought of myself. Sometimes I push my children away, symbolically, because I think that it will make me happier if I have time alone.

However, yesterday I had a really neat experience where I just decided that no matter how busy I was, or how much homework and chores I had to do, I was going to lie down with my two youngest children and read them books for about a half hour. It was so lovely! I felt like I finally caught a glimpse as to what it was like to really enjoy the supernal joys of life through motherhood. I want more of those experiences. My children are growing up every day, and my mother has always taught me that somehow the work will get done if I put my children first. She also taught me that there will always be more work to do, and if I wait until all the work is done before I spend time with my husband and family, it will be like waiting for all the water in a river to pass by before I am willing to cross it.

Often, Satan will tell me I don't have time for others. Just as he tries to convince us that we don't have time for scripture study, he also tries to convince me that I do not have time to serve, to love, to talk and take time for my family or members of my ward. I am really tired of hearing this lie, and of listening to it. I hope to rid myself of excessive individualism, and instead, partake in the happiest things that God has given to me on this earth -- taking time to be with and strengthen my children, husband, and family; to love, read to, teach, and laugh with them.

Be As The Shepherd

When trials and difficulties come to our marriage, as they do throughout life, will we be as the shepherd who steadfastly safeguards marriage, or will we allow the wolves in our lives to overcome us?

I once heard Elder Oaks say something like this, "When our physical bodies are injured, we seek healing again and again. Should we not do that for our marriages as well?" I want to encourage any within my reach that if you are struggling, take courage! Continue to seek healing with the help of Jesus Christ. If you allow Him, the greatest of all shepherds, to bless and protect your marriage, healing will come.

To conclude, I want to share Elder Hafen's encouraging words about all of us (including myself) being stalwart and steadfast shepherd's when it comes to our marriages:

"May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy."

Fathers: Optional Baggage?

I’ve learned a few things this week about the topic of gay marriage. You know what two things have struck me the most?

1) The defense of Traditional Marriage isn’t really about gays. It’s about the children that are affected by marriages.

The only reason government has any say in defining marriage is because of its interest in children. Redefine marriage, and children are made vulnerable to our number one social ill: fatherlessness. How can this be so? It’s a biological fact that every time a child is born, a mother is nearby. The real question is, will there be a father nearby, and if so, how long will he stick around? The principle purpose of marriage is to link fathers to the mother of his children, creating a bond of responsibility. Redefining marriage into much looser terms weakens the basic unit of society, creating a chasm where fathers are no longer linked to their children. When that father is no longer required to link himself to the mother of his children because marriage is so loosely defined, on what grounds will we hold any father’s responsible for their children and families? None. Instead, the government must step in to replace fathers. So I ask you, reader, do you think fathers are optional? Are governments and social programs decent replacements for the fathers of our nation?

2) Without Fathers, the Bible says the purpose of the Earth is utterly wasted.

The other day I was in my neighbor’s home, listening to her explain her family history line using pictures of her parents and grandparents and in-laws that were hung on a large, portrait-filled wall. I couldn’t help but wonder, “How would she feel if she did not know who her father was? Or her grandfather?” She went on to describe how the cultures of her parents’ family and of her husband’s family influenced their children’s lives. I could see its power on them, or, to put it better, I could see the power that this wall of history gave to her own family. Biblical verses ran through my mind as I realized that this woman defined who she and her children were by the fathers and mothers of the family.

“Greek.” She said. “They are all Greek on my husband’s side. Over the course of my father’s life, he had to re-marry because his first wife committed suicide. So he had two wives. My father is passed away now. And these women over here, they love to sew. I love to sew, and I wish they had taught me.”

This line of families, as imperfect as it was, filled with suicides, multiple marriages, and women who didn’t teach her how to sew, this wall of people helped her define who she was, and who her children should be. So the verse repeated in my mind,

“And he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers. If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at his coming” (D&C 2: 2-3).

If the hearts of the fathers are not turned toward their children (could this possibly be referring to the power of marriage linking fathers to children?) then the whole purpose of this Earth will be utterly wasted. There will have been no reason for you and me coming here to this Earth without being linked to our fathers. The portrait-filled family history wall that you have in your home, on your computer, or in your photo books, it’s everything. It’s why we’re here. Gay marriage removes all of that. It separates parents from children, fathers from mothers, and breaks links between generations. It guarantees the fatherlessness of children, which will utterly waste the reason we’re here.

So, the question is posed, “How can I possibly deny the LGBT community the benefits that I enjoy as a married woman?” And I respond, “Right now, all people are free to live and to love as they choose, no matter their sexual orientation.”

Studies repeatedly show that children do significantly better in all aspects of their lives when raised by both a father and a mother, and even better when the mother and father are their biological parents. Of marriage and the role it plays in raising the next generation, Ryan T. Anderson states,

“The conjugal view of marriage, we argued, has long informed the law — along with the literature, art, philosophy, religion, and social practice — of our civilization. So understood, marriage is a comprehensive union. It unites spouses at all levels of their being: hearts, minds, and bodies, where man and woman form a two-in-one-flesh union. It is based on the anthropological truth that men and women are distinct and complementary, on the biological fact that reproduction requires a man and a woman, and on the sociological reality that children benefit from having a mother and a father.

As the act that unites spouses can also create new life, marriage is especially apt for procreation and family life. Uniting spouses in these all-encompassing ways, marriage calls for all-encompassing commitment: permanent and exclusive…Marriage increases the odds that a man will be committed both to the children that he helps create and to the woman with whom he does so. Marriage, rightly understood, brings together the two halves of humanity (male and female) in a monogamous relationship. Husband and wife pledge to each other to be faithful by vows of permanence and exclusivity. Marriage provides children with a relationship with the man and the woman who made them.” (Read more at: http://www.nationalreview.com/article/378538/marriage-where-do-we-go-here-ryan-t-anderson).

I also conclude that if the LGBT community is concerned about fair housing, financial benefits, healthcare benefits, and tax benefits, that these are secondary issues. Please fight for equity concerning these tax laws because we all deserve fair treatment, gay or “straight,” we are all equal in God’s eyes.

But please, my dear nation, do not vote to redefine marriage such that its meaning is weakened, and the most innocent and the most vulnerable portion of society, our children, are not left, yet again, exposed to the weakening of the family; left as wards of the state, fatherless, and without defense in this world. Please think of the children, and stand up for them by standing up for what the true definition of marriage is: between one man and one woman.