Recommended Read: Till Debt Do Us Part

Are you married and have you ever had questions about family finances?

Me too!

Boy, do I have a great book for you! It's called, "Till Debt Do Us Part," by Bernard Poduska (2000). I was able to read a few chapters of it for my marriage class and it has been very helpful.

What do I love about it? Why do I recommend it?

I love how it deals with both the financial aspect and the emotional aspect of money - it didn't try to separate the two, but recognized that our upbringing and our emotions and past experiences strongly influence how we spend money. I loved the ideas for creating marital peace, such as understanding each others backgrounds and personalities better.

I also loved how it had helpful suggestions for what to do children who are growing up, such as going fifty-fifty on purchases with them as teens so that they feel like you are on their side.

The other main idea I loved was the "launching fund," where parents agree to pay for certain things for a young adult who is ready to leave the home, and therefore help them launch into the world as responsible adults, but with a little help. For example, parents may choose to pay for a young adult's apartment for six months, paying for 100% of the rent the first month, 75% the second, and on down until the child is independent and paying their own rent. I am going to use this with my children! Children need to feel loved and wanted, but they also need help to stretch and grow. I find that these practices have a fair amount of balance between these two things and will help children be excited about getting out on their own and feeling like their parents are encouraging them. Yet, it also has a safe ending period so that the children aren't permanently dependent on their parents.

I valued the parts of the book that discussed how happiness in marriage is not static, but constantly changing, and that if we want to be happy in a marriage we must allow for change. I also like how it talked about being empty-nesters nowadays can mean that spouses are able to spend quality time with each other, making each other their first priority again in life instead of being depressed about not having any children at home. This gives me something to really look forward to as my children get older -- I love that perspective.

As a mother of four children, I enjoyed little comments the authors had like, "Parents are people, too." Ha! Thank you! Sometimes I feel so guilty for having needs as a mother and I am seeking to find that right balance between taking really good care of my kids without horribly neglecting myself or my sweet husband; a balance that could sure use improving all the time. Love that book!

Who's the Boss?

Have you ever felt like this when it comes to your marriage?

I have.

Have you ever felt like you're having one of these with your spouse?

You can imagine my relief this week when I read in a BYU article titled, "Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Familes," that most struggles in marriages are rooted in power struggles. The article states:

"...Research consistently finds that happy relationships are most likely to occur in marriages where the couple shares power and has a true partnership. These research findings are consistent with doctrines found in the gospel."

And the article quotes Dr. Ross Eshleman's book, The Family, 2003:

Joint decision making, sharing martial powers, perceptions of both self and partner doing a fair share of family work, and a feeling of equity appear to be positively related to marital and relationship satisfaction."

And my favorite quote is, of course, by Gordon B, Hinckley:

"Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have."

A Prophet's Solution

Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife share what has made their marriage happy. I choose to apply what they say about husband's and apply it to myself as a wife as well:

“He Gave Me Space and Let Me Fly”

Church magazines: Why has your marriage been so happy for so long?

President Hinckley: The basis of a good marriage is mutual respect—respect for one another, a concern for the comfort and well-being of one another. That is the key. If a husband would think less of himself and more of his wife, we’d have happier homes throughout the Church and throughout the world.

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” 1 How has he done that?

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me.

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does."

Conclusion:

In addition, this Gordon B. Hinckley quote pretty much sums up how to get out of that power struggle!

“I am satisfied that happiness in marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. Any man who will make his wife’s comfort his first concern will stay in love with her throughout their lives and through the eternity yet to come.”

If each spouse is more concerned about their marriage partner than about themselves, and they let charity be the guiding light of their relationship, I think power struggles would be few and far between!

Joseph of Egypt Understood Chastity

What would you sacrifice in order to honor your spouse with complete fidelity?

Few people nowadays have the courage that Joseph of Egypt had when he refused to sin with Potiphar's wife. He was willing to deny himself temporary pleasure in order to know God. Joseph must have had a deep understanding of how precious his virtue was.

He was willing to be in prison, face pain, sorrow and loss of worldly freedoms in order to stay morally clean.

When I think of how cheaply many young people throw away their virtue, my heart breaks. These young people lose something precious before they fully understand what they are doing to themselves and to others in breaking the law of chastity. Only when I read the talks by our prophets on chastity do I understand how precious our moral purity is. I am still learning.

I have felt the most powerful understanding of the sacredness of the proper use of our procreative powers as I read Jeffrey R. Holland's, "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments," and Boyd K. Packer's last great general conference talk, "The Plan of Happiness." So many times through life I have heard seemingly shallow reasons to keep our chastity like, "Well, you might get pregnant if you break the law of chastity," as if that was the only thing at stake. Joseph of Egypt, however, must have understood through teachings from his parents and from revelation by being close to God, that it is so much more than that. Jeffrey R. Holland likens procreation powers to flaming fires that must be banked and cooled by God's appropriate channels for it, or we will surely be burned. He discusses how human intimacy is a symbol of giving our whole selves to another person; our dedication, our souls, our full commitment.

When we are intimate with the opposite sex outside of marriage, we can only offer fragments of ourselves to that person, and we become broken as we are given fragments of another, and give only fragments of ourselves. I can imagine how this can lead to spiritual and emotional depression, sadness, and misery. I love how Goddard points out that wickedness never was happiness, even though Satan makes it look so tempting, so alluring, and without consequence.

Satan has allured several of my loved ones, who lack true understanding of the law of chastity, into losing their virtue. It breaks my heart because I love them and I wish, seek, and pray for them to be happy. Satan tells them it is the way to happiness, and yet they are miserable. They do not understand why. I have hope for them through Christ, I know he is patient and that He loves them with perfect love.

I hope someday that they will understand just how sacred they are and that Christ can heal them. I hope to teach my children also, the courage that Joseph of Egypt had because of his understanding of God's plan. I hope they attain the understanding necessary to make the sacrifices that may be required of them in order to stay morally clean. I hope that I can remember Joseph's beautiful story of sacrifice and commitment to the commandments so that I, too, will remain faithful despite any temptations that may come my way.

Gridlock and Charity

What is Gridlock?

Just as it sounds, gridlock is when a married couple cannot seem to solve a problem they have together. Instead of being able to compromise, they lock heads and are unable to budge.

How do we solve or overcome gridlock?

According to John Gottman of, "The Seven Principles of Successful Marriages," couples can overcome gridlock by listening to the dreams and hopes of their spouse that are the root cause of their desires. One partner should listen to the other for fifteen minutes as they reach back into their childhood and explore all the reasons they feel about the decision they are trying to make. Then, after 15 minutes, they switch.

Charity is Key

As I thought about what Gottman says is the solution to overcoming gridlock, I realized that charity is the key to all compromise in a successful marriage. A few months ago, Elder Lynn G. Robbins said that there are 13 or 14 main characteristics of charity. If we can specifically use, "Seeketh Not Her Own," as we approach compromise in a marriage, we will be happy together and both partners in the marriage will be winners. It will be a "win-win" situation.

Real Application for Decisions on Snowy Roads

My husband and I were discussing this idea of not seeking our own desires or our own will when having a crucial conversation and trying to make a compromise. I asked him, "How is it possible that we can both share what we want to happen, but not seek what we want, instead seek for our spouses comfort and desires?"

As we thought about it, I realized that Stephen R. Covey comes into play. He always says, "Seek first to Understand."

I realized that I had been able to apply this principle to a recent intense decision we needed to make. It was snowing intensely in the morning last week, and there was a foot of snow on the ground and on the roads. The kids needed to be driven to school and it had not been cancelled.

I decided that I would first ask my husband what he would have us do. Should we still try to attempt going to school? As I went outside to talk with him as he worked hard to shovel the snow off of our driveway, I asked him what he thought about going to school. He replied that he thought we should go, but just leave ten minutes earlier to allow for slower driving time. I pondered his words, looked carefully at our snowy roads, and then decided to seek not what I thought (I might have had us stay home!) and instead try to follow his lead. I saw other cars pass by on the road and make it successfully on their way. My husband and children bundled up warm, left early, and went to school safely.

When it comes to decision making I often seek first to understand what my husband wants, but not always. He also seeks to understand me. There is room for improvement though. Charity is something we need to pray for every day.

Overcoming Gridlock is Possible!

With charity, if we seek to understand first the desires of our spouse, and try to truly comprehend their dreams related to their desires, then we will be able to overcome gridlock.

Pride Pains Marriage Partners

There were some common themes in our reading for my marriage class this week among both books. Specifically, there was a talk by President Benson about pride. It helped me to do a lot of introspection. I think sometimes we are so prideful, even when counseled to improve, we think the counsel is for somebody else. This talk helped me see that there are things that irritate me about my husband and these are things that I actually need to repent of, instead of trying to change him. It's exhausting to put all of one's effort into trying to change somebody else and get little or no benefits to show from such behavior. Forgiveness, acceptance, good points, and being humble lightens our load so much!

For example, it is fascinating to me that we are studying this subject this week because just last Sunday I was so irritated with my husband. I usually get ready for church and take the kids by myself most Sundays because he is a High Councilmen and is often needed to attend other wards in our stake. Anyway, I was letting myself get annoyed or frustrated for some of the family leadership decisions he was making. First, he was so wrapped up in talking to his mom on the phone (about an important topic, too, by the way!) that I had to get all four kids and myself ready for church on my own again, as usual. After he got off the phone he piled the kids in the car and just waited for me in the car while I finished getting myself ready. I don't know why that always bothers me! Once we arrived at church, he picked a row of seats for us in the overflow even though we were ten minutes early and there was plenty of room to sit up front. My toddler runs wild if I ever sit in the overflow, so I protested. A little frustrated, he got up to move. I protested again, and told him that I suppose it was fine to sit there. Anyway, during sacrament I thought, "Why does everything have to be so hard when we are both involved in making decisions?!?" Then, (here's where I realize my pride) the spirit whispered softly to me, "The reason it is so hard is because you are nit-picking at everything your husband is doing. It would be much easier if you would choose to be humble and let him lead instead of insisting on having everything your particular way."

Whoa! I sat there in disbelief! I was nit-picking? Seriously? Me? But the spirit was totally right! I was exhausted and felt heavy because I spent so much time worrying about whether or not my needs or whims were being met perfectly by my hard-working husband. Just like Goddard said, if I repented then I could put that burden down -- that burden of nitpicking and emphasizing my husbands so-called flaws. It's a lot of work to be a picky princess instead of just humbly following and enjoying his difference in personality and admiring his unique nature. So, right then and there, I let it go. And it felt great. Of course, in just a few days I am not perfect at changing the habits of my mind. I'm sure it will be something I will have to work at for a long time -- not letting pride create enmity between myself and my loved ones or fellowmen. But it's a start, and it's actually quite a relief to discover the source of my exhaustion and frustration - my own pride! I would much rather be grateful and humble for all the wonderful things my husband has done and continues to do for our family. It's a much happier way to live.

Turning Toward One Another

My Husband's Grandpa passed away yesterday morning. He was 92 years old and one of the most generous people I know. He gave thousands upon thousands of dollars to all of his descendants to help pay for their homes and education. He was cheerful and happy and a joy to be with. My children adored him. Even in his 90's, of him they declare, "He was so fun!"

This is naturally a time of mixed feelings for my husband, who out of many grandchildren, was often openly declared to be Grandpa's favorite grandchild. Yet we know we will see him again, and that he lived a grand, righteous, and noble life.

He was there for our baby blessings, even though it required long flights and the pains of travel to get there. Look at that bright, cheerful smile and countenance on Grandpa's face despite the fact that my baby is screaming till she's purple! This was the kind of person that Grandpa was; cheerful in the face of affliction or hard times. He loved life.

In Goddard's text, "Seven Principles for A Successful Marriage," he states that happy couples turn toward one another instead of away. He says that romance does not consist of large trips to the Bahamas, but romance consists of the every day turning. This would mean that instead of doing what I want, or instead of being absorbed in only myself or my own interests, I would turn toward my husband and care about his needs, comfort, and care. Sometimes this is as small as turning off my cell phone and listening to him. Sometimes, it is asking him how his day has gone when he comes home from work, exhausted. Sometimes, it is cleaning the house, making a nice dinner, or doing his laundry because I know he loves it when I do those things.

In Gordon B. Hinckley's own way, he discusses the importance of turning toward one another in a marriage:

"I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion."

We had a chance to track how often we turn toward another in our BYU marriage class this last week. I was overwhelmed by how often my husband turns toward me, but a little under-impressed with my efforts to turn toward him.

So this time, I not only want to get better at turning toward him in every day life, I also want to turn in a bigger way. You see, we were planning on visiting my family for Thanksgiving this year in Utah. We haven't been to Utah for Thanksgiving in years and it is one of my favorite Holidays to celebrate with family. But with the passing of this dear Grandpa, I am willing to instead make the long trek from New Mexico to California with four energetic children to help him attend the funeral and disperse the household goods; a specific request that Grandpa gave to my husband long before his passing. I am not trying to toot my own horn, or brag about my goodness, I simply like to acknowledge that Goddard's book is having a positive effect on me!

I want to live the way that Gordon B. Hinckley says we should live: in anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of my spouse. I know that this is the key to real happiness in marriage. My goal is to simply turn toward, or be there, available, understanding, comforting, and unselfish in any moment, big or small, in which my husband might need me.

Christ's Love: Our Perfect Example

Of Christ and His Perfect Love, Henry B. Eyring States:

Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him, our perfect example. Our way of life, hour by hour, must be filled with the love of God and love for others. There is no surprise in that, since the Lord proclaimed those as the first and great commandments. It is love of God that will lead us to keep His commandments. And love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him.

Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves.

I Believe That -- Because It Is True

After all the marriage expert's advice has been given, after all the things we can do to improve our marriages, following our Savior Jesus Christ is the most important and most life-changing thing we can do to have a happy marriage. I believe that -- because it is true.

Counsel To Husbands And Wives

President Henry B. Eyring goes on to say:

First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.

We are all going to make mistakes in our marriages; every day, in fact. I testify that we can repent, and we can pray to see the good in our spouses as well. As we come closer to Christ, as we improve every day, we will have strong marriages.

That is, after all, our ultimate goal: to become as our Savior, Jesus Christ is. As we seek to be like him, our Hands become His. Gaining the mind, hands, and heart of Christ is one of the most demanding and rigorous goals there is, but it is worth every effort, every sacrifice, every day. As we become like Him, our marriages will thrive. Ultimately, Christ has the power to heal if we allow Him to touch our marriages.